Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic.

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.

   If you call yourself hot, you're not

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.