Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   Honey I Shrunk The Kids And The Dog Has Worms So I Put The Kids In His Bum And Gave Them Knives To Go Worm Hunting

   If you can find the trash can in my kitchen without asking, I just assume you're a wizard.

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   Lets just say fashion doesn't understand me.

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I shouldn't have to say I love you when it's obvious that my p enis adores you.

   I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

   You can always tell if she's one of my ex's...By the stretch marks around her mouth!

   Never do I wish I were a pirate more than when sitting in traffic next to the beer truck.

   There's always somebody else out there that will love you, but not if you're ugly.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   I'm so straight that I eat my hotdog from the middle.

   Dont study me,,,,you wont graduate!!

   I am the kind of guy, who, if you hold your cigarette far enough out the window, I'll take a puff off of it.

   You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.

   It's Eminem's birthday. Happy birthday to the whitest black guy on the planet.