Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   Where do I find these Binders full of women..............

   Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.

   TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   There's no premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!