Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's finally time to put the coffee away!! Cheers :)

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!

   You're as useless as the G in Lasagna

   Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   Maybe one side of the V-shape is longer than the other because geese have retards too in their flock.

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   Love sucks. True love swallows.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.

   We are all just exchanging witty dialogue in the hopes of exchanging bodily fluids.

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged

   I won't tell you how long I believed girls peed out of their butts, but it was well past the age where it was considered normal.

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial