Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”

   If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

   OK, the coast is clear; you can stop acting normal now.

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   10-11-12..........Happy I can count past 9 day.....:-)

   If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.