Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you remind me of monday. No one likes it either.

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.

   I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.

   I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   These gas prices are crazy,I'm tired of being Sandusky'd every time I fill up!

   Anyone know how to get half a cat out of my car grill? Anyone???

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape?

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   Fellaz; Stop whining about being friend zoned. I'm sure it's an upgrade from the usual “Never in a million year”, “Not if you were the last man on earth” or “leave me the hell alone”. At least you are not in the dead zone.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.