Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Message Seen" in Facebook I'm is the absolute best way to weed out "Friends"

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   The biggest obstacle bi-racial, Kentucky couples face is agreeing on which liquor name to give their daughter.

   What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?

   I suspect Adele ate her last name.

   Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?

   I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.

   Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.

   I prefer to drink in the comfort of my own home where I can yell and scream at the ones I love in peace and quiet.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.

   I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.

   If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

   If he asks me to marry him that means he doesn't want to have sex anymore, right?

   I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.

   You know you've had a bad day when you die.

   Remember when I loved you unconditionally? Well the terms of that arrangement have changed.

   Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.

   My 1 year old is an absolutely terrible waitress. Food is everywhere and my beer is unopened.

   I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm.