Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!

   Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...

   You would think that by now there would be rap battle re enactors.

   Sence its started raining, all my wife has done is looking through the windows. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in!

   "Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan has to ride seven miles a day with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of two dollars and we will send you the video its hilarious."

   I was at my date's house and told her "I sure hope your couch pulls out, cause I don't."

   looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.

   You know a woman invented the tape measure, because no guy ever said "Hey, let's see how big this thing REALLY is"

   I found out why my eyes are always watering during sex... It's the mace.

   I have come to the conclusion that you can post almost anything on Facebook and most people will automatically assume it to be factual. The odds of this are increased if the post is witty and is accompanied by a cute picture.

   So, if I'm to believe Apple, my thumbs have grown half an inch and my ears changed shape since last year…

   When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."

   When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   blames everyone for his problems."Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him".

   We're all just nudists in disguise.

   My girlfriend wanted matching tattoos but they are permanent so I just asked her to marry me instead…

   It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.

   The Judge denied Jerry Sandusky's request to serve 30-60 in a Juvenile Detention Center.

   Why is the literature with my ADD meds so long?? Don't they know I have ADD??