Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?

   You win some, you booze some!

   We were bored and pretended it was love.

   Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.

   THE QUESTION ISN'T Who Won Debate? THE QUESTION IS Who Swallowed DE-BATE!

   I think a lot better when my mind is blank!

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   Hey Jessica Biel,,,,,,,,, Please,, Please,, Please,, name your kid Batmo

   If Couples That Are In Love Are Called "Love Birds", Then Couples Who Are Always Fighting And Arguing Should Be Called "Angry Birds"

   What's black, white, has gills but flies and is available at book stores??.................I don't know, nothing probably, cuz that's ridiculous.

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   I may be a women but I sure do wish I had enough gentleman in me to pull off a monocle.