Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   Guys and their smartphones have it made now. Back In the day the only way we could prove we got some was to let our friends smell our finger!!

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   My lawyer friend prefers to be called an attorney...but I still prefer douchebag!

   Instead of driving a smart car, you should probably go to driving class.

   remember folks...gravy is NOT a beverage!!

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats

   Holding my phone while in the tub is similar to holding a loved one over a cliff.

   Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend.

   The karma of messing with a good girl is the h?e you end up with. This goes to all the players who think they are God's gift to women. Newsflash, you're not!!

   A man will simply break a woman's heart, but a woman will take a dump in a man's heart and walk away.

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.

   Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

   Learning is way more than a test score...

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”

   Your about as useful as decaffienated coffee.

   wonders if he is actually attractive and girls are just afraid to talk to him?

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.

   I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.. <3