Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.

   I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.

   Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.

   'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   Has anyone seen my shake weight?

   I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.