Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So did anybody catch X-factor? That BIG BIRD looking chick was singing , more like squacking! guess her future on the line too.

   Thanks to the color of their bras, sizes of their shoes and for some really random reason - how long they take to straighten their hair, I am now aware that breast cancer exists. Couldn't have done it without that crucial information!

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   She say I drive her crazy, well that makes sense coz I am a crazy driver.

   Dear ex, I wouldn't delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   If at first you don't succeed, lie and say you did.

   if you think your job sucks, try being the guy who tests rectal thermometers.

   I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

   I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)

   I hate it when a tickle fight gets out of hand and you end up having to bury a dead hooker in the woods.

   No, autocorrect. I don't want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that's fine.

   When someone yells STOP, I don't know if it's In the Name of Love, it's Hammertime, or that I should Stop, Collaborate, and Listen.

   Our love making is great but it's the talking, cuddling and intimacy I enjoy the most…..ok, she's gone. It's really the sex!!

   Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

   If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.