Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   P0rn always downloads too slowly when you really need it the most.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   My life is everything I don't tell you.

   What the hell is a Honey Boo Boo? And can it get me high?

   Your kid can't walk? Let's have a 5k, that'll make them feel better...

   I'm still kinda pi'ssed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street

   Why does the DB at work with the least experience always think he has all the answers??

   if you're too lazy to get a photo ID maybe you shouldn't be voting anyway...

   Sometimes I use unforgettable movie characters to inspire me. You know, like Ferris Bueller…

   Oh, you have an MBA from an online college? Please tell me how to fix our economy!!

   They say if she stayed by your side even when you broke her heart, then she is the one. I say she is the one alright, the one dumbass.

   love just isn't enough to keep two people together. You need money too to finance that shingding.

   Smart phones may be great for tittie pics but they suck when your co-worker just had a baby…

   Men, if you aren't prepared to hear all about my ex, don't ask me how I'm doing…

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.

   I am pleased to announce that the PR firm of Helland-Hunt, LLC will be handling the issuance of all apologies on my behalf from now on. So, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helland Hunt for it..

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place