Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   Ahhh, October. My favorite month, especially all the Halloween booze...

   Just wrote my wedding vows, it says, "I'll love & respect you, for fear of the death penalty for murder." Incase anyone wants to propose...

   It's easier to look for one's inner beauty when the person isn't covered in ugliness.

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in..

   Too many men try to extinguish a woman's fire. If you feel her heat, don't bring water, bring gasoline.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'll never learn

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   Caught an ugly couple kissing at Starbucks. So I interrupted & said, 'You're not planning on having kids, are ya? think ahead'

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.