Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.

   Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!

   If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!

   It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.

   Truthful Tuesday: I used to be "that b itch from accounting".

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.

   This man needs to change. I'll whine and moan at him until he does. That'll work - Women

   Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..

   Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."

   i don't have a bucket list.. but my F$cket list is a mile long

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, now your life will be shorter than it was yesterday. Way to waste yesterday, MORON!

   I may not be right but I'm a beautiful piece of wrong.

   You say "love means never having to say you're sorry" What I hear is that essentially your love is a narcissistic sociopathic minefield.

   All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.