Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted

   asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   I wonder if they had put "Osama bin Laden gave his Life to Christ at a Early Age.." on his Obituary like they do other Criminals?

   Never forget to love your family.. because when everyone is in and out of your life, family is always there

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster

   When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   She is so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isnt a judgemental cu$t like you..

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"

   Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...

   Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.