Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you judge me,.. make sure your perfect!

   if your posts starts with "Only 45 days until..."; you should consider changing lives with someone...anyone...

   It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   Some Girls are as easy to get over as they were to get under... Just Sayin'

   I may not be the biggest or longest lasting, but I'm the most appreciative!!

   Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!

   I know there's no such thing as evolution because if there was my Facebook page would've grown a "punch" button by now.

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.

   WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is apparently not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.

   Some lady just told me that she was terrible at math and that she flunked "algeber". I'm sure she excelled in English class though.

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   a good laugh and a long sleep are the best two cures for anything :)

   it too much to ask for a COFFEE only line at Tim Hortons? Wake up and smell the coffee Tim!!

   I like my coffee the same way I like my men!! Rich, warm and can keep me up all night long ;)

   I like my coffee the same as my women. Black and sweet and ready to be creamed in.

   not hiding in the closet eating cupcakes....nom..nom nom

   I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF