Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.

   I'd marry a woman based on her ability to make gravy...

   bad sex is better than a good day at work!

   1+1=3 if you don't use a condom.

   no clue what to do without some glue to sniff

   went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!

   Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe

   Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

   i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.

   When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics

   When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"

   Why do American's make lousy dog walkers ? ..... They can't hold on to a Lead !

   Fun fact: the male eye has an ability to slow actual time when a titty pops out within it's sight. It's science.

   How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs.

   Yes, I just made a typo, deleted the update, updated it again with another typo, then sent out this update to blame the whole thing on weed.

   Finished watching The Little Mermaid with my daughter. I believe it taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with women if they can't talk.

   Love is when she throats you so deep she throws up on you, composes herself, then keeps going. She only regrets she had to stop for a moment.

   I love it when a beautiful woman is also intelligent. Makes spanking her ass bright red that much more rewarding for both of us.

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.