Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Off to church with the family. Hopefully it is "Facebook Friendly".

   Guys: You know that thing you do where you try to make us believe you have no feelings? How is that working out for YOU?

   Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

   It takes everything I have to lie to your face and tell you I never loved you.

   The only downside to divorce is learning how to work all the appliances…

   If we all agree not to wake up Green Day today we can get rid of them forever.

   If a tree fell in the woods and knocked over my beer, I'd be pretty darned mad whether I heard it or not.

   Compared with what normally comes out of Justin Bieber's mouth, I'd say vomit was probably the highlight of the concert.

   I know it's Fall because my brother got his d ick stuck in the leaf blower again.

   I wonder how many of you were conceived at an orgy?

   Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?

   True Story: Seeing a car set on fire with no doors at 12 midnight outside your miami house window is a sure sign KuKluxKlan has been doing some recruiting.

   69% of everything a guy reads, he finds something dirty in it.

   I'm playing the Titanic drinking game. Every time you see someone dead you have a shot of vodka!

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   Today on Egypt news TV: Morgan Freeman reported as dead....... DNA discovers the missing link to Lazareth

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto