Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   I should at some point in my life learn to cook for one..I only know how to cook for ten or more..spaghetti anyone?

   Obviously there's a hole in this wine glass.

   Sorry if I hit a nerve, I was aiming for your jugular.

   If I can buy magnum condoms with a straight face, I can beat any polygraph test.

   I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   It's no coincidence that you have never seen a hunger strike for the legalization of marijuana.

   Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.

   My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   Ladies, You know that thing you do, where you try to make us guess what you're feeling? How's that working out for you?

   I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this.

   I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday

   I like walking under the rain so no one knows I'm crying" ... B! tch please ! I like walking in the pool so no one knows I'm peeing !

   Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body!!!

   I'm really on the fence with this election coming up. I wish people would post more on Facebook to help me make this difficult decision easier said no one ever.