Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.

   : It's hard to fight the things we are afraid of. Sometimes we just need a little help.

   There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.

   It's the rule of the life - the prettier the girl - the messier car; kinda a turn on.

   Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.

   To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.

   I'll be gone for a while beating off... I'm back!!

   The more I drink, the more I spill. Secrets, that is.

   The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   I'm not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.

   You know you're at a redneck 5k when some guy runs in flip flops...

   Her: I think it's over. Even after we made love last night he showed no emotion and just rolled over and went to sleep. Him: I hate it when my team loses. Oh well, I least I got some pu$$y!

   I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because screw candy I'm a grown ass man and you can't fool me.

   All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.