Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   Can you add sexual favors to an Amazon wish list?

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   I get jealous when my stalker stalks some one else!

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.

   Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.

   No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.

   I have been considering spending $100 on a toilet brush. I think I need to gain some perspective as s hit doesn't deserve that much pampering.

   There's a difference between being tan, and looking like you've just been beaten with a bag of Cheetos.

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   I have a confession to make, but I don't think any of you here are priests.

   I have ADHD. Yup..... high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.

   Get off goddamn Internet, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back. :)

   I promise to love you for better or until things get worse.

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.