Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   We were too drunk to have thanks giving day in Australia. So we just praise every day after the invention of alcohol.

   Differance between my wife and a hooker is my wife costs more and does not leave after sex.

   They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head.

   All my ex wives shared the same name. "Plaintiff"

   Jealousy is such a waste of passion.

   A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is alway a cop posing as a prostitute.

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.

   You may have written me off, but I'll never be erased.

   Eat s hit and live! - dung beetles

   Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   There's no statement as powerful as a man crying. I guess I should stop hitting him.

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.

   I'll pretend to find you funny if you pretend to like me.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.