Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.

   bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.

   "Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...

   These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

   I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡

   Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   When I bang my toe against something it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   "if people say something BAD about you, JUDGE you as if they know you,don't easily get affected by this .Remember this, DOGS bark if they don't know the person"

   "That's what" -She

   Threw a rock in the pond and heard your name... it sounded just like this "DOUCHE"

   I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords.