Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they're crossed over her head, she probably likes you

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   You're not too young for me; you just haven't lived enough.

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   All women are crazy, but it takes just one a$$hole to bring it out

   When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.

   "I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.

   an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !

   It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes

   The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.

   My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

   I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.