Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.

   Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!

   **News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.

   If people hate you for no reason, give them one.

   If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?

   Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.

   a Google girlfriend....im always searching for her :(

   wondering if the new iphone 5 comes with some kind of food stamp app

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin