Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad the real referees are back... my fantasy ref team has really suffered.

   I surely believe in Hate at first sight for no reason !!

   Can I come over and mess up your hair and makeup?

   There comes a time when it's just time to come.

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   Spooning For girls: A nice, warm and cozy cuddle. Spooning For guys: A dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward erection you can't do anything about.

   If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.

   If you're a grown ass man, and I can see your gum when you chew it, you get throat punched. Grandma's rules, sorry.

   I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.

   The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.

   Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...

   I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her

   My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue."

   "Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."