Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   I gave my friend the privacy he needed when talking to his girlfriend & now he's like "I could've died when you pushed me out of the car".

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   Respect my lack of authority

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel

   Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!

   They named it ‘cunnilingus' because “sweetly savoring slippery succulent sexiness” was too long.

   The new CBA for NFL refs is a win/win for us all, not only will we have professional refs, our footlockers will again be fully staffed!

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   I knew a girl in college here nickname was T-Ball - if you got up, you would never strike out.

   Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.