Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing screams "loser" like a wedding ring tat from your 3rd marriage...

   Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... BLAH! - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

   1 rule as a Realtor. Find clients budget and only show them homes priced 50k higher…

   ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

   Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit no one will even talk to me

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning.People only notice it because it's annoying.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   "They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.