Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RIP Andy Williams. Cross the pearly gates in style...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.

   You haven't seen rage until you've witnessed a woman rip another woman's wig off.

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   I put the you in murder!

   You can make a lot of friends with a prescription pad.

   I'm silent by default but put me with someone I'm comfortable with and I'll never shut up.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   Never operate electrical equipment under the influence, except for guitars and amplifiers because that s hit will sound great.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   POF may say it short for Plenty of Fish, but I'm pretty sure it's Plenty of Fatties…

   ugh...so much for my iphone 4 neck tattoo.