Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.

   Aww...no, sweetheart. Don't worry. When he calls those other girls "angel" he doesn't mean it. Only with you.

   My Homeless sign would say: "Ninjas killed my family! Need money for kung-fu lessons!"

   My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"

   If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face

   On the advice of my attorney, I plead the 5th on EXACTLY what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!

   the best way to end up divorced...get married.

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   that if I'm n line I don't climb up the person's ass in front of me. Relax. It's a line you impatient pricks.