Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it burns when I pee that just means someone's thinking about my junk right? RIGHT!? GUYS SERIOUSLY

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   Dogs and cats are so lucky they can use their tongues on themselves

   aaron roger and the nfl, how do you like those discount double check refs? signed the real nfl officiating crews

   Only those who dare to fall in love will grow a lot wiser.

   there is always someone in the gym shower that thinks she is in a herbal essence shampoo commercial!!

   unappreciated and taken for granted

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.

   I once dated a guy named Dave who hated to be called David. Then, I dated a guy named John, who really hated to be called David.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.

   I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...

   *Current state of the NFL*....After further review, the runner did not touch second base. Touchdown Lakers..

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   just dumped!! Anyone want some sloppy seconds??

   I hate waiting in line ups. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   The big winners in last nights MNF debacle?.... All of the TV repair shops in Wisconsiun.

   just at the gynecologist and during my pap test my Dr. was whistling if I were an oscar meyer weiner!! Never going back there.

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it ''Decisions, Decisions''.