Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   I keep my wallet in my front pocket, that way woman are interested in something in the front of my pants.

   Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock.... So I totally get it you guys.

   If you give me a hug and you smell good you might need to dislodge my mouth from your neck.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   Don't you wish you could just start over sometimes? You know, like buy another large pizza after you just ate one and start over.

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   Any man taking longer than 20 seconds to make a decision on where to eat, is just distracted by his tampon springing a leak.

   NFL replacement refs...Wonder if they think airplane windows roll down too...

   Big girls dont cry (They eat)

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan... She didnt really but I'm practicing...

   I never called you stupid dear. But when I ask you how to spell Mississippi an you ask the state or the river...it kinda caught me off guard!

   Big girls DO cry (when they dont get to eat)

   Dear Lord.....Please lead the NFL out of this referee lockout and deliver us scab free officiating. Amen.

   If we are all unique, doesnt that mean we all have something in common?

   Romney thinks he should be able to pull up to other Gulfstreams, roll down window and ask for Grey Poupon

   If airplane windows don't roll down, how does the pilot stick his head out the window to make sure his dog is okay?

   I'm like a moth to a beer.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.