Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.

   Oh, don't mind me, I'm just singing Usher's "Nice & Slow" to some pizza.

   Probably just me, but the "&" sign looks like a guy rubbing his ass on the ground.

   If I wink at a hottie & she puts her cigarette out on her neck, that's still considered flirting, right guys?

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   I went line dancing last night ...well it was a roadside sobriety test..same thing

   After finally being bombed by the U.S., Apple & Mahmoud Ahmadinejad teamed up to release the all new I-RAN!!!

   My husbands wife is freakin' awesome!!

   I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"

   I suggest the Jets put Tim Tebow at cornerback to replace Darrell Revis. Nobody can keep the football away from receivers like he can.

   fat is the new skinny

   wondering why hockey players are gotta be so effin' greedy!! Enough already.....

   I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah

   counting down!!! Only 91 days until Christmas, that's right CHRISTMAS :)

   Beiber Fever is so last year, its time for the GANGNAM STYLE!

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!

   don't look back, you're not going in that direction.

   KFC's new "Chicken's Littles" commercial claim "Little is the new big".......poorly endowed men everywhere finally feel adequate after watching