Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys

   dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...

   wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.

   have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?

   our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side...

   Facebook is now taking way too long to open pages and sh it!!! So the meltdown begins.

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.