Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!

   If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   The difference between guys and dogs is that dogs can be trained.

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.

   You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference

   So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

   If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

   Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.

   they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.

   I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.

   Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right

   I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.

   Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?

   A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...

   Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing?

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.