Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Land phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 6

   Sometimes Religion is a crutch for the weak, the lazy, the clueless and the plain ignorant. Many times I have witnessed Christianity used as a refuge by some people who cannot deal with life and its daily struggles, so they turn towards religion for help.

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.

   My cat's black and he doesn't get offended when I use the 'N' word, so why should you?

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   I don't repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   What does a Colt want to be when it grows up? A Bronco! Go Payton Manning

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally