Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, I can only be responsible for understanding my portion of the conversation.

   There's no business like minding your own business

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   I thought the new iPhone was supposed to repair my self esteem issues.

   Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family

   Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.

   What do you mean the stun gun was not foreplay?

   Prius = douchebags gone wild

   A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !

   Tampons are in the right place, at the wrong time.

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I bounce my boobs on the jfdslkhdjkhkjdvvgffdzbsldk;/ffdlskn\/njvglnxlk\cz/\/sl/\sn

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!

   Sometimes when I get bored I bounce my nuts on the keyboard dfhjyffcbhhhjufddxcbnnkiytredcvhkopihf

   If you don't want me pointing out your faults, don't have so many to choose from

   Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?

   going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)

   if you do the crime then expect to do the time!!