Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.

   the new apple map is totally futuristic, its like what the world is gonna look like after 2012 apocalypse.

   My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS...Its not!..It's about crabs.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   There's no 'i' in team.... Unless it's a team of Apple lawyers.

   what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge.

   I'm so horny, I could THINK off ...

   I'd rather be trapped under a train than to listen to a song by Train.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything

   every girl is like a master lock, if you use the right combination of attention, flattery, and vodka-cranberry her legs spring wide open whether she wants them to or not.

   if she has big boobs she just wants to here she has a nice smile... if she has small boobs she doesn't matter

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   Blind people dont skydive because it would scare the shit out of there dog

   Chicken pot pie.... the three things I love the most

   I think the cinema should give you an extra "Previews Popcorn" when you buy a "Movie Popcorn"

   Old lady in the blue track suit in front if me smells like garlic and moth balls. I would complain but I think she's a Crip!.

   The New iPhone5 is out.. It now fits up your a$$hole!

   Today...had to go to the doctor with ear problems....he looked in my ear and told me I had ear wax and needed to flush it (O_O) I told him...I wasnt putting my head in one of them things (o_O)

   iPhone 5...still better than Twilight.

   there's that old saying that "you are what you eat" so for Halloween i'm thinking of passing out dum dum suckers to the neighborhood kids