Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i received 10 tex messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife's phone.

   The best part of being an adult is saying "Because I can" when your kid asks "Why are you doing that?".

   I tell you what, if any french publication decides to publish topless pictures of me someone will definitely be getting their @ss sued!

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I started reading a book on S&M, but I got tied up and couldn't finish it

   I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

   Just saw my first flying squirrel. It was on the road in front of my truck as it flew from under a tire, over the windshield and stuck the landing head first on the sidewalk. It was awesome!

   The ingrediant that mixes with sugar, spice, and everything nice to make little girls that can kick some ass.

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   I'm so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I'd get the Electric Couch.

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   "You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around."

   "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

   I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

   After reading some of these jokes, I might have pulled something rolling my eyes.

   Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.

   Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   I'm ready for hoodies, bonfires, cuddling, and the beautiful colors of fall.

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.