Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Does it still count if we only went half black??

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   If I had a child, I would name him Carlos, just for the years of personal enjoyment of saying "Not at the table Carlos!"

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it's going to suck.

   We now have proof that Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead! He showed up on the voter registry as a Democrat in Chicago.

   I never knew what girls were like until Facebook.

   I was late for work this morning because there was a daddy long legs in my bathroom and thats where my work clothes were.

   This girl just gave me her number but it's only 6 digits. I am not sure if she's playing games or just retarded.

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   Remember when the sentence "she wore a meat outfit on stage" would have been confusing & ridiculous? Oh, 2009...you were a simpler time.