Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tell her she is worthless, that is something she will believe without whining about what you are saying.

   when science teachers were gonna talk about "natural disasters" I thought they were gonna talk about relationships

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   I found a fruit roll up in my pocket today. Which means one of your kids has a banana flavored blunt wrap in their lunch box

   A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Black Parents: "When we get in this Restaurant you 8, OKAY?" Son: But mama I'm 12 . Mom: *SMACK* "Listen Here, Yo a$s is 8 you hear me?!"

   Obama probably called Romney and said "I don't see how you can hate from outside the White House, you can't even get in.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

   Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.