Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I alway realise that they're crazy way too late in the game.

   When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.

   Text me on whatsapp then call me when I ignore you and I'll start digging your grave.

   Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

   'It looks like the Hunter has become the Hunted" -Things I say to strangers when they find me in their car.

   You know that reaction you get when you see a toilet that wasn't flushed? That's my face when someone orders bottled water at the bar.

   Seeing a woman with a pretty face and a fat ass is like seeing an old man driving a sports car, what a waste of nice equipment.

   I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.

   What's that movie where Joe Pesci plays the short tempered little tough guy?

   I wish there was a ” like” button for texting.. so when I run out of things to say I can just ” like” their last txt and be done with it!!

   I'm no grammar Nazi, but I hate when a girl's period comes late

   I should be working at a spa...........cause I can give one heck of a facial!!!

   FOX NEWS....Rich people paying rich people to tell middle class people to blame poor people.

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   dear fellow pranksters, if you are planning on pranking a telemarketer by answering with "i killed him" first make sure it is a telemarketer. sincerely, the one with a terrified grandmother

   My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…

   Wait...you mean "Angry Birds" is NOT the Britcom Version of "The Golden Girls"?

   the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium