Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.

   I have no idea how to get off the internet...

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."