Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of the foreplay for morning sex starts way before the girl beside me wakes up.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other.

   I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

   I've been ignored by better.

   When I read that 9 of 10 forest fires are started by humans, what I really see is that somewhere there is a bear that knows how to use matches!

   Your girlfriend's existence is starting to piss me off.

   The Royal family are said to be "disappointed" over a French magazine publishing pictures of Kate Middleton topless. Me too, they're tiny.

   Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…

   Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   This whisky tastes like memories. Bitter memories.

   I would definitely arch my back for you.