Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .

   What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   wiping my ass with the Koran after taking the biggest dump of my life!

   Girl sneezes. I said 'bless you'. Hope that is a clear enough signal I'd like to take her out.

   Here is a billion dollar idea - manufacture toilet paper with the Koran printed on it.

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   My art teacher asked me to draw a chameleon... I submitted a blank page.

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   You say premature ejaculation. I sa

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   Totally cute guy checking me out at 3 o'clock. Oh wait, that's just my reflection.

   Hold still, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me.

   I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings.