Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   I live in a country where what doesn't kill you, makes off with your TV.

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   Jealousy makes you look insecure. And fat

   She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.

   You call me a Red Neck Back Woods Hillbilly, just because I go to the family reunion to find a date!...So be it!

   I've seen more of Kate Middleton's privates than my own wife's the past 2 years...

   I made a post on my facebook saying that I really need prayers right now... then later in the day I replied and explained it was because I bought some scratch offs

   North Dakota State campus evacuated due to a bomb threat. Both students are suspects...

   Personally, I think today should be "Cap a Diaperhead" day! Just saying

   My transformation into a baby seal is almost complete.

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.

   No special plans tonight, but I'm thinking about throwing rocks at a foreign embassy and then grilling some burgers. Hit me up if you wanna join? My mom is coming too....

   Once you go Bl@ck you never go back. I sure hope that isn't the case with the President

   Since when has being cheap counted as "empowerment"?...Hey, I'm all for getting in touch with the "inner goddess" by pole dancing you're way to "new you", but you can't get lobster thermidore out of a can of tuna. Get a life."

   No, that dress doesn't make you seem fat...but your dependence on others' opinions definitely makes you seem shallow."

   An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

   Just like NOKIA, iphone 5 feutures are the same as previous versions.

   For world economy to stablelise matchsticks should come both sides.