Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just saw snooki!!! oh wait it was Dani Da vito

   This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes”

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple sues Apple, because the iPhone 5 looks exactly like the previously release iPhone 4....

   I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.

   That's right, the iPhone 5 is now thinner and lighter, like the enslaved chinese worker since he started assembling it.

   How do you know when your pet rock dies?

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   Ironically, the kind of people who queue all night to buy an iPhone 5 have very few friends to call when they get it.

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   The 2011 MLS MVP is out for the season. I have no idea who he is. Hell, I don't even know what the MLS is…

   My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…

   I can't take a 5 hour energy. It'd either eff up my nap or my bedtime…

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.