Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   We all have that one friend we're trying to fatten up for the zombie apocalypse...

   Why do we say, “good morning” when we wake up? You can't really be sure until noon.

   I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!

   Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...

   iPhone 5: Still no toothpick :(

   i couldn't ever have sex on the front lawn if there wasn't a pink flamingo present.

   Suffering from a bad case of SRH. Sperm Retention Headache!!

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Dr. Ruth, the world renowned sex doctor says, dont focus on the sagging, or the belly fat, or the wobbly neck, focus on the sensation after the age of 50.

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   Someone tell Doctor Ruth, pass the me the beer and alcohol!

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.