Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   be glad ur not a smurf....they have blue balls 24/7

   If everything seems to be going well....... you have obviously overlooked something.

   Man with athletic tongue make broad jump.

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   If people revolted and burned things every time Jesus was insulted then this world would be in ruins. So whats so special about this Prophet Mohammed idiot?

   What's worse than an animal living in your attic? Your ex-boyfriend!

   I accept all kind of vice, except you, your the worst habit known to existence.

   My boss told me 85,000,000 times today that I really need to stop exaggerating.

   Hey South Park... How about another episode making fun of Mohammed?

   I want to run for president so I can make it legal to punch stupid people square in the face. I'll make punching stupid people my campaign.

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.

   They say laughter is the best medicine, and there is no doctors here.

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   This just in fromm CNN Prophet Mohammed seen eating a BLT on Rye ... More news at 11 back to you Bill

   I still don't know what Google's "I'm feeling lucky" is about.

   the difference between good and great in one word? Bacon...

   I love when my husband plays terrorist, he knocks down my walls

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   As far as distractions go ... I like to think I'm a good one.